carbon dating, countries of origin, exotic cheeses and allergic reactions

Before you left to go away
I wrote down what i couldn't say
I bet you read it on the road
With foggy lights and fingers cold

Now you drove so far but now you know
How rough it is to let me go
And let me recommend that you think twice
And I always give the best advice

Now come on back to where you know i'll be
Lets' go sit under the apple tree
You can floor that thing, let the engine roar
The wheels they'll spin, the rain it pours

There's regret that you feel
About the choice you've made
You'll just have to deal
Before it goes away
You ask me how i feel
And here's what i'll say
I'm doing fine, just fine
I'm doing fine





the hardest thing for me to process about missing someone i love is that it is not in the least a logical process. it comes and goes at the most unexpected times, triggered by associations of the subconcious i didn't even know existed. one minute, i'm oblivous,merrily existing, and the next i'm frodo when he puts on the ring, instantly transported to the shadow world, where every sensory perception has to pass through a wall of water before it's understood. no ringwraiths, however.

to blog or not to blog

a few people have presented to me the paradox of having a journal, by definition a very private and personal thing, online, an extremely public and accessible place. the result is a necessary crypticness to my reflections on my every day life which force me to go beyond the "i did x and y and this is what i think about it" to another level of thought beyond my actions and immediate reactions that are, to me, actually a much more helpful documentation of myself.

there is no such thing as coincidence aka an unhealthy amount of rilo kiley

The absence of God will bring you comfort, baby
And planning's for the poor so let's pretend that we're rich
And I'm not my body or how I choose to destroy it
Folk singers sing songs for the working, baby

We're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers
There's no relief for the bleeding heart
'Cause they'll be losing bodies tonight

And Rob says you love, love, love and then you die
I've watched him while sleeping and seen him crying with closed eyes

And you're not happy but you're funny and I'm tripping over my joy
But I just keep on getting up again

We could be daytime drunks if we wanted
We'd never get anything done that way baby
And we'd still be ruled by our dueling perspectives
And I'm not my perspective
Or the lies I'll tell you every time

And Morgan says, maybe love won't let you down
All of your failures are training grounds

And just as your back's turned you'll be surprised she says
As your solitude subsides

And Mike I'll teach you how to swim
If you turn the bad in me into good again

And I say there's trouble
When everything is fine
The need to destroy things
Creeps up on me every time

Just as love's silhouette appears
I close my eyes and disappear tonight

And something's got to change
'Cause our love's the slowest moving train

"vodka runs through my veins like blood." -anna (reflecting on our eastern european heritage)

traveled to boston this weekend for my cousin anna's 21st birthday party and my grand conclusion is i am incredibly lucky to have such amazing family and friends. i love being put in new surroundings with familiar people because it generates such a fresh appreciation in me for everything that makes me adore them. there is such an extreme forward momentum in my life right now, time seems to be snowballing; i don't think i have the time or energy to brood over anything, even if i wanted to do so. this is a good thing.

there is always a redemptive power to the psyche

what gives me fear in my everyday life is the ability of people, very intelligent, sensitive, and rational people; their ability to forget about the refractive quality of memory and interpretation of experience. the nature of a sensory based existence renders it subjective. so when i hear generalizations being made about people as an entity, it scares me, and with those i know well enough, irritates the shit out me too. the only generalization that can definitively be made about anyone and everyone is acknowledgment of their humanity.

i'm fucking elated...

In steep cliffs
with rocks all piled up
mysteries of your passing luck
Ages past
shells and bits of bone
forming new limestone
to give things their turn

There are no bad words for the coast today
You never knew why you felt so good
in the strangest of places
Like in waiting rooms
and long lines that made you late
and mall parking lots on holidays.

There are no bad words for the coast today
when we hold our breath until nothing's left
it all starts to fade.

We can see the stars
from where the birds make their homes
staring back at us.
Indifferent
but distanced perfectly
projected endlessly
it's so fucking beautiful.

There are no bad words for the coast today
then you ask what's a palisade
and if we're too late for happiness?







there is nothing in the world better than going to sleep with a smile on your lips.

nicotine and gravy

it's so strange to me. at this moment, i feel that every relationship in my life is not at all what i thought it was when i left here last semester, in positive and negative ways, with people from bard and not, yet i don't think i have ever been more satisfied with my life. it's such a refreshing surprise when the unexpected is intoxicatingly pleasant.

"'these are things', she said, 'you do only for love."

although i keep forgetting it is valentine's day, as the romantic nature of my experiences tomorrow will peak at kamaria and adam baz, (not they aren't romantic creatures, of course) the internet has now taken upon itself to remind me of the fact that i will not be celebrating this hallmark holiday once again through both google and friendster's nauseautingly pink template. i did, however, send out my electronic valentine tonight and as a result i am now experiencing the ever predictable post initiation of expression of any sort of romantic sentiment anxiety and cannot sleep. instead, i have been alternately doing chemistry and cracking software.

my mind also keeps spinning around my experience this weekend, at the amazing certainty with which i handled myself in a completely unstable situation. i have again learned to trust my inner voices, and not only that, i'm actually starting to take my own advice again. though my inner voice does tell me that having in internet journal is rather strange in an intangible sort of way, the destruction of my diary in last nights, in combination with the amount of time i spend sitting in front of this damn machine (which i'm pretty sure owns my soul by this point) it seems to make sense that a 'blog' was an inevitable course of action.

i don't know if that story i've been working on is going to make it through. i'm not sure if i can pull of second person narrative without alternating it with third person which seems like a cheap way out.

the execution of all things

le commencement.