marriage: sacred bond between two people or get rich quick scheme?

my mother just told me a story about a new client she saw last night, a young indian woman, let's call her ishani. her husband had come to india, divorced, looking for a wife. his previous wife and her mother in law had been murdered and he had two kids and was not looking for any more. ishani had also recently been divorced as she was unable to bear children. perfect match. they marry and return to the united states, connecticut to be specific. once there, she finds out that he was the chief suspect in the murders. also that their old house had mysteriously burnt down shortly after a large policy had been taken out on it. hm.

a year or so goes by and ishani becomes pregnant, revealing that it was her husband and not her that had been the source of the conception problems in her previous marriage. her new husband forces her to go to somea sketchy clinic in south jersey where they perform an abortion at four and a half months, even though the baby is perfectly healthy. she's upset, obviously, so her husband suggests a little time away, maybe a trip to india by herself instead of with the step children (as she had been doing once a year since coming to the states) would be good for her. she goes and within two days of being there is served with divorce papers. the lawyer tells her she better get back on a plane immediately because if she signs the papers there, she's screwed. once back in connecticut she finds out that a month or so earlier, before he filed for divorce he had purchased a very large life insurance policy on her.

so now she is in a shelter here in nj. she is uneducated and doesn't speak english very well but hopefully since she left and got herself a lawyer and some good therapists, instead of being murdered like this guy's last family, she will prevent him from being able to do it again.

what do you call a tennis match between stevie wonder and helen keller?







endless love.

too much time spent in ordinary places.

i have spent a solid percentage of my time in the past month or so in elevators. which has confirmed something i have always suspected (having a handicapped mother, my critical eye for elevators has been a long time in the making). the door close button is truly the most critical feature of an elevator. i have come across generally three types of door close buttons.

1. the kind that doesn't work. these suck.
2. the kind that works immediately. these are awesome.
3. the kind where the door to the elevator will not close unless you press the button. on these i am undecided.

also in one small but fancy office building in downtown manhattan, there is an elevator that possesses a non-stop button. these i believe to be the wave of the future.

and she was

in an office somewhere in manhattan, you can walk in the door and directly to your left see a large sign under the row of coat hooks that says women should learn to mind their own business.

peckish

this is how i felt today.

the dress looks nice

i just arrived home from my first day at work, followed by a mechanic session at times up, and a ride home in the best of company.

i am exhausted
sweaty
incredibly hungry
confused as to whether the darkening of my skin is caused by tan or city grime...

and incredibly satisfied.

two types...

warning: this could be a gross generalization.

i think there exists two types of love. the kind that sweeps you off your feet and the kind that grows slowly, often in the dark. like fungus.

amazing things in new jersey

a few things that happened in the past two days that have made this an extremely satisfying visit home.

1. my sister and i played beer pong together and kicked ass.
2. i spent a lot of time with my two year old cousin whom i adore. she believes i'm a princess.
3. i FINALLY mastered our hot tub - pool system. when it was installed a friend of mine was housesitting and left us with a hand drawn diagram "explaining" it, but actually doing no such thing. it's been the bane of my summer time in nj existence ever since. but now comes the dawning of a new era.
4. went to the diner with amy and didn't see one person i knew and also had the most delicious omelette (is that spelled right?) with lox, onion, tomato, and american cheese. mmm...
5. swimming. in general.
6. my mother's delicious cooking.
7. my mother teaching me to make brisket.

if i were your mama, i'd send you to summer camp

for the first time tonight on the subway i encountered a man who i believe to be legitimately insane. and not through lack of money or nutrition; he was well groomed and well dressed, as well sporting a pair of new looking, fashionable shoes (that matched his outfit.) nor did it seem as though he was an any drugs, no irregular eye/body movements, flushed skin, heavy breathing, none of that. but he was talking up storm to himself, laughing, singing, taking on different personas, first speaking as a boyfriend, then a son, then a father, tackling different subject matter, sex, fashion, waxing philosophical. he walked in to the fourteenth street station from the street just behind me and we sat on the same bench - in total i was in this man's presence for a minimum of twenty minutes and he did not stop chatting (does the definition of chatting inherently imply the involvement of another person?) the whole time. completely insane. but he was the happiest non-drunk solitary person i have seen in passing since my time in the city.

all good sheep.

on the train today, four people, three women and one man, entered the car along with all the other passengers. they spaced themselves equally along the length of the car and as soon as the doors closed and the train set into motion, they began to recite in (jarred) unison. they represented a group that was raising money for the homeless, even pennies can buy meals, the homeless are people too, we are all god's children etc. by the time they were done at least half the people on the train had given them money. as the train approached the next stop, one of them women, (who was wearing all lime green) said softly, "god bless you, your hearts will go to heaven." another passenger sitting next to me, who until this point had simply ignored the whole situation buy burying herself in her book, upon hearing this snapped her head up and said, "excuse me, but i believe you mean, your soul. your soul goes to heaven, your heart does not." lime green replied aggressively and as i stood up and exited the train i could hear them arguing with increasing heatedness, their voices fading only when the doors closed behind me.

israel

i miss my dad.

secret candy

one of the things i love/hate most about myself is how easily i am pleased.


also i finally gave in and downloaded itunes. it's not that i was against it, really, i downloaded it when it first came out and it horribly impaired my computer. so i gave it the boot. i have given it a second chance because it seems that people don't to know how to use winamp anymore. and let's be honest here; the itunes interface really is more user friendly.

this change will have no effect on my all consuming desire to have properly tagged and organized music.

what is the connection between the swedes and dc++?

without fail, the swedes (or maybe finnish?) seem to have the dominant hold over the dc++ scene. not only that, they have the weirdest things on their computer! example: i am on some random hub and find myself perusing the media of a user named [BBB]Qua . he's got the usual, a few film folders, tv, musik, musik videoer, books (a little weird, but cool), tja (porn), and then he has a folder called kirsten dunst which is filled with pictures and mp3 files of kirsten dunst! i'm sorry but that is just random and fucking bizarre.

the burden of socks.

there's nothing that drive me more crazy than tall socks in summer. but the problem with short socks, like tennis socks, is that as a result of one season of wear the elastic around the ankles wears out and you end up spending the day walking with your feet awkwardly curled inside your shoes, in an usually vain attempt to prevent the socks from scrunching up around your toes. maybe this problem could be avoided if i purchased higher quality socks but this seems to be a pointless course of action seeing how easily socks disappear. as the summer passes, and the subtle frusturation of the socks around the toes situation outweighs my stubborness i will buy new socks, but by this point it's usually july or august and heading into fall, when short socks are no longer a necessity and that one season of wear that can be extracted from kmart quality foot underwear passes during the time when they are most un-needed, impractical even, because (let's be honest here) who really does their laundry until they run out of socks and/or underwear? by the time next summer comes around, it's the worn elastic, bunching around toes routine and the cycle begins all over again...

pepper

i went to the jerz this weekend for the memorial service of johnny k, sherry's father. it's very interesting to see how people my age respond to death. for something that's an integral part of everyone's life, the vast majority are very uncomfortable with it. i can't help but have an incredible appreciation for those that aren't afraid to talk about it, ask questions, generally treat it without the stigma that somehow has become societally associated with talking about death. of course, i think i may be the opposite extreme. my casual morbidity has made people uncomfortable on more than one occasion. one of my room mates, as i was preparing to leave, was talking to me, wishing me strength, careful driving, reflecting on how hard funerals are, etc, and my response was "well, after the fourth time you have to leave college for a funeral, you start to get used to it." i exited quickly, realizing after the words were out of my mouth how awkward i had made the situation by being unintentionally flippant when she was trying to connect with me emotionally. i guess in some ways i resent sympathy as most of the time i perceive it as false. i can't help it. my experiences have shown me that (most) people are supportive when it's convenient for them, when it makes them feel better. when it comes to really getting your hands dirty in the emotional debris of someone else's life, (when they need it the most) people just drop off.

The Fairest of the Seasons

Now that it's time
Now that the hour hand has landed at the end
Now that it's real
Now that the dreams have given all they had to lend
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe try another time
And do I really have a hand in my forgetting?

Now that I've tried
Now that I've finally found that this is not the way
Now that I turn
Now that I feel it's time to spend the night away
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe finally split the rhyme
And do I really understand the undernetting?

Yes and the morning has me looking in your eyes And seeing mine, warning me
To read the signs more carefully

Now that its light
Now that the candle's falling smaller in my mind
Now that I'm here
Now that I'm almost not so very far behind
I want to know do I stay or do I go
and maybe follow another sign
And do I really have a song that I can ride on?

Now that I can
Now that its easy, ever easy all around
Now that I'm hear
Now that I'm falling to the sunlights and a song
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And do I have to do just one
And I can I choose again if I should lose the reason?

Yes and the morning has me looking in your eyes
And seeing mine, warning me
To read the signs more carefully

Now that I smile
Now that I'm laughing even deeper inside
Now that I see,
Now that I finally found the one thing I denied
It's now I know do I stay or do I go
And it is finally I decide
That I'll be leaving
In the fairest of the seasons




i know i post lyrics often, too much? i am, however, (unfortunately for people that live with me) the type of person that plays one song or album for about 3 days - 2 weeks nonstop (a few days if it's a revival, 2 weeks if it's fresh meat) until it's a dead horse, as they say.

comments?

i was informed last night that i had it setup so people had to be users in order to post a comment. so, i changed that...

olana

i went to olana today - i never really thought the hudson valley landscape would make it in my all time favorites (maybe in fall) but the view literally stopped my breath...

this incredibly delicious weather makes me so much more productive but in all the wrong ways. i've done so many things today but so little homework.

i practiced tonight for about five hours straight that flew by and were incredibly satisfying. now, however, i have the gnarliest violin hickey.

also, is it really necessary for the bathrooms in rose to be over a hundred degress?? you may think i exaggerate, but step behind that door for more than a minute and you will be breaking a sweat. guaranteed.

You're My Girl - Neil Young

Well I took you for a walk
up on the forest floor,
'Cause I wanted to share some things.
But it sure looked to me
like you've been there before,
It was such a natural thing.

You're my girl,
And you're showing me now,
Just how grown up you are.
You're my girl,
And I'll be lettin' you go someday.

Please don't tell me that
you're leavin' me just yet,
Cause I know I gotta let you go.
Please don't tell me that
you're sayin' goodbye.

Well I lit a candle
on the Fourth of July,
But it didn't bring you home to me.
You went headin' into summer
on a natural high,
With the world at your feet.

It's your time,
And you're showin' me now,
Just how grown up you are.
It's your time,
And I'll be lettin' you go someday.

Please don't tell me that
you're leavin' me just yet,
Cause I know I gotta let you go.
Please don't tell me that
you're sayin' goodbye.

We went lookin' for faith
on the forest floor,
And it showed up everywhere,
In the sun and the water
and the falling leaves,
The falling leaves of time.

You're my girl,
And you're showing me now,
Just how grown up you are.
You're my girl,
And I'll be lettin' you go someday.

Please don't tell me that
you're leavin' me quite yet,
Cause I know I gotta let you go.
Please don't tell me that
you're sayin' goodbye.





everyone tells you that time heals all wounds. that, i have discovered, is not actually true. you just learn to live with them.

R.I.P.

the bells have been ringing over italy for the past half an hour. tomorrow we go to the vatican city.

baby - better than an airbag!

last night we went to paradiso, a club on the leizenstrass, one of the "cool" neighborhoods in amsterdam. apparently easter monday is not a big night for clubbing because there was a very low concentration of people in this very sketchy pure euro trash techno-is-still-really-cool dance club. we danced our booties off, scared a few people, and then took a taxi back to michelle's as the trams stop running at 12:30. today michelle, ben, justine, and hannah, went to a theme park, the name of which i will not even attempt to spell, which is basically the dutch equivalent of disney. i stayed in the city (for reasons that are both monetary and interest based), wondered around for awhile and finally posted in a cafe and did chemistry hw. i think tonight will be fairly low key as ben and i are catching a train back to paris at 6:56 tomorrow morning.

also, i have a slight concern that i may have developed a tape worm because i actually can't stop eating...

egon schiele rocks my world

saturday night: carnival in the dam square. jeff had to sit in the wheel chair that we (ahem) acquired for him - because of his injuries - in the rain while we went on one of the scariest rides in the history of nomadic carnivals. we got frites, walked around, and went to a bar called coco's where they pride in their "lousy food, good beer"atmosphere. my body initiated a mutiny as i have not slept much/at all really this past week nor on the flight and i promptly fell asleep on the table. headed back to michelle's and to bed. yesterday we ate maoz's, a renowned falafel place, became really confused/had our minds blown by day light savings (who even saw that one coming??) and thoroughly enjoyed the addition of justine to our troupe. jeff, jeremy, hannah and i decided to get a room at a hostel as michelle's one room apartment was a little overcrowded. and no one wanted to sleep on the inflatable raft again. we ended up at an absinthe bar after checking in to the hotel where, again, i fell asleep. we all walked back to the hotel, michelle, ben and justine went back to michelle's place and hannah, jeremy, jeff and i packed in like sardines, horizontally across two single beds, and spent the uncomfortable warm night trying not to let our butts fall through the crack in the bed. today we went to anne frank's house, and then the van gogh museum where i was thoroughly awed by the schiele special exhibit. jeff and jeremy went back to paris where ben and i will be joining them on wednesday, possibly hannah as well.

tonight, we dance!

"it's just a jump to the left..."

in amsterdam! with michelle, ben, hannah, justine (who just arrived this afternoon), jeffrey and jeremy. it rules.

heavenly coincidence...

and we live on borrowed time,
but this headshot's pretty good.
i've been scheming for too long,
i was starstruck by your mom.
we fall in love by accident,
a heavenly coincidence.
no matter what you think is true.
let me introduce you to some,
friends of mine.
oh, friends of mine.
oh, friends of mine.
oh, friends of mine.
and we brake for passing cars,
in the pistol ripping chase.
i regret the drugs you lost,
so i skipped our second date.
we fall in love by accident,
a heavenly coincidence.
no matter what you think is true.
let me introduce you to some,
friends of mine.
oh, friends of mine.
oh, friends of mine.
oh, friends of mine.
we fall in love by accident,
a heavenly coincidence.
no matter what you think is true.
let me introduce you to.
can't figure out this place.
guess someone hates my guts.
i handed him the sign.
oh, friends of mine.

trusting your instincts

why is this so difficult? i can't think of one time when my initial, gut reaction to a person or situation has proven me wrong and yet i continue to ignore it in the face of "rational thought'". or so they tell us. i am going stir crazy. i've been in this room for, nay, at this desk for about 7 hours straight--minus the past hour and half, which i have spent cleaning and packing. i want out!

"everything is permitted when it is snowing, provided it is snowing hard enough." -grass

when i'm in new jersey, i never go online. this is because my mom and sister have the world's worst dial up connection to be found and it's just good old-fashioned frusturating to use it. it seems that i have fallen victim to goldilocks syndrome, however, because here the internet is so easy to use, it's the ultimate distraction and the hours just slip away from me sitting at this desk. and when it comes to perusing ebay and dc++ (which is finally back! thank you boris!!) or working on my populism midterm, i think it goes without saying where my heart lies...

tea and cigarettes (life in mono)

The stranger sang a theme
From someone else's dream
The leaves began to fall
And no-one spoke at all
But I can't seem to recall
When you came along
Ingenue

Ingenue
I just don't know what to do

The tree-lined avenue
Begins to fade from view
Drowning past regrets
In tea and cigarettes
But I can't seem to forget
When you came along
Ingenue

chem-olin

thursday night was one of the most incredible nights i've had in a long while.

what keeps me from sleep....

i do not believe in predestiny. there is obviously an argument to be made to attest to the existence of pattern in life but my adherence to the rational makes me unable to seriously believe in anything but randomness. but if this is the case, how is it possible that every life i've had the pleasure to intertwine my own with is, without fail, wrought with an irony that could not possibly exist in a world dictated entirely by chance?

movin' out?

i spent some time with a friend that i love so dearly yesterday trying to remind her of why being the most considerate and loving friend you can be is unquestionably the best path to take in life. i found myself lacking convincing comments and my inner monologue agreeing with her completely. sometimes it just really doesn't seem worth it.

on the other hand...

my birthday is tomorrow, first birthday ever without family. which is weird. but birthdays always generate a renewal of appreciation for my friends and optimism in general. and dan is coming up to bard (!), which is almost like having family.

i think i need to get out of dutchess county for awhile, something like a trip to europe? hmmm....

lurgee - radiohead

I feel better,
I feel better now you've gone
I got better,
I got better, I got strong

I feel better,
I feel better, now there's nothing wrong

I got better,
I got better, I got strong

Tell me something,
Tell me something I don't know
Tell me one thing,
Tell me one thing, let it go

I got something,
I got something heaven knows

I got something,
I got something I don't know

northern dutchess - not so grand.

hospitals are most unpleasant places. especially in the boonies of upstate new york where the night staff, for the most part, are bitter employees who harbor an intense dislike of bard students and have tendencies to unnecessarily over medicate. the dialogue went something like this:

nurse: "i'm giving you something for your nausea and something for the pain."
me: "what? but i'm not in any pain."
nurse: "don't worry, it's a non-opiate. it won't make you sleepy or anything like that."

damn right it didn't. 3 minutes later my cheeks were flushed, my heart rate was up, and i was overcome with an overwhelming desire to rip out the iv and run out of the hospital screaming. and the only response i got was "don't worry, it will pass in a few minutes, dear. you're just having an extremely rare reaction. some people get it, but it's nothing to worry about." easy for her to say, she wasn't the one overcome with anxiety and the internal discomfort of your body telling you in every way possible that something is wrong.


i can only hope that the next time i have a problem with my body that warrants a trip to the hospital, it will not be northern dutchess.

always bleaker in the a.m.

yesterday i realized a few things i hadn't previously put much thought into. one is there are words out there that will always give me pause. many double consonant words, like professor (i'm getting better at that one), address, roommate, are the examples that come immediately to mind. the other things is that i really love the sound of a graduated cylinder being filled quickly. it makes this lovely resonate shoom sound...

today will be long.

carbon dating, countries of origin, exotic cheeses and allergic reactions

Before you left to go away
I wrote down what i couldn't say
I bet you read it on the road
With foggy lights and fingers cold

Now you drove so far but now you know
How rough it is to let me go
And let me recommend that you think twice
And I always give the best advice

Now come on back to where you know i'll be
Lets' go sit under the apple tree
You can floor that thing, let the engine roar
The wheels they'll spin, the rain it pours

There's regret that you feel
About the choice you've made
You'll just have to deal
Before it goes away
You ask me how i feel
And here's what i'll say
I'm doing fine, just fine
I'm doing fine





the hardest thing for me to process about missing someone i love is that it is not in the least a logical process. it comes and goes at the most unexpected times, triggered by associations of the subconcious i didn't even know existed. one minute, i'm oblivous,merrily existing, and the next i'm frodo when he puts on the ring, instantly transported to the shadow world, where every sensory perception has to pass through a wall of water before it's understood. no ringwraiths, however.

to blog or not to blog

a few people have presented to me the paradox of having a journal, by definition a very private and personal thing, online, an extremely public and accessible place. the result is a necessary crypticness to my reflections on my every day life which force me to go beyond the "i did x and y and this is what i think about it" to another level of thought beyond my actions and immediate reactions that are, to me, actually a much more helpful documentation of myself.

there is no such thing as coincidence aka an unhealthy amount of rilo kiley

The absence of God will bring you comfort, baby
And planning's for the poor so let's pretend that we're rich
And I'm not my body or how I choose to destroy it
Folk singers sing songs for the working, baby

We're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers
There's no relief for the bleeding heart
'Cause they'll be losing bodies tonight

And Rob says you love, love, love and then you die
I've watched him while sleeping and seen him crying with closed eyes

And you're not happy but you're funny and I'm tripping over my joy
But I just keep on getting up again

We could be daytime drunks if we wanted
We'd never get anything done that way baby
And we'd still be ruled by our dueling perspectives
And I'm not my perspective
Or the lies I'll tell you every time

And Morgan says, maybe love won't let you down
All of your failures are training grounds

And just as your back's turned you'll be surprised she says
As your solitude subsides

And Mike I'll teach you how to swim
If you turn the bad in me into good again

And I say there's trouble
When everything is fine
The need to destroy things
Creeps up on me every time

Just as love's silhouette appears
I close my eyes and disappear tonight

And something's got to change
'Cause our love's the slowest moving train

"vodka runs through my veins like blood." -anna (reflecting on our eastern european heritage)

traveled to boston this weekend for my cousin anna's 21st birthday party and my grand conclusion is i am incredibly lucky to have such amazing family and friends. i love being put in new surroundings with familiar people because it generates such a fresh appreciation in me for everything that makes me adore them. there is such an extreme forward momentum in my life right now, time seems to be snowballing; i don't think i have the time or energy to brood over anything, even if i wanted to do so. this is a good thing.

there is always a redemptive power to the psyche

what gives me fear in my everyday life is the ability of people, very intelligent, sensitive, and rational people; their ability to forget about the refractive quality of memory and interpretation of experience. the nature of a sensory based existence renders it subjective. so when i hear generalizations being made about people as an entity, it scares me, and with those i know well enough, irritates the shit out me too. the only generalization that can definitively be made about anyone and everyone is acknowledgment of their humanity.

i'm fucking elated...

In steep cliffs
with rocks all piled up
mysteries of your passing luck
Ages past
shells and bits of bone
forming new limestone
to give things their turn

There are no bad words for the coast today
You never knew why you felt so good
in the strangest of places
Like in waiting rooms
and long lines that made you late
and mall parking lots on holidays.

There are no bad words for the coast today
when we hold our breath until nothing's left
it all starts to fade.

We can see the stars
from where the birds make their homes
staring back at us.
Indifferent
but distanced perfectly
projected endlessly
it's so fucking beautiful.

There are no bad words for the coast today
then you ask what's a palisade
and if we're too late for happiness?







there is nothing in the world better than going to sleep with a smile on your lips.

nicotine and gravy

it's so strange to me. at this moment, i feel that every relationship in my life is not at all what i thought it was when i left here last semester, in positive and negative ways, with people from bard and not, yet i don't think i have ever been more satisfied with my life. it's such a refreshing surprise when the unexpected is intoxicatingly pleasant.

"'these are things', she said, 'you do only for love."

although i keep forgetting it is valentine's day, as the romantic nature of my experiences tomorrow will peak at kamaria and adam baz, (not they aren't romantic creatures, of course) the internet has now taken upon itself to remind me of the fact that i will not be celebrating this hallmark holiday once again through both google and friendster's nauseautingly pink template. i did, however, send out my electronic valentine tonight and as a result i am now experiencing the ever predictable post initiation of expression of any sort of romantic sentiment anxiety and cannot sleep. instead, i have been alternately doing chemistry and cracking software.

my mind also keeps spinning around my experience this weekend, at the amazing certainty with which i handled myself in a completely unstable situation. i have again learned to trust my inner voices, and not only that, i'm actually starting to take my own advice again. though my inner voice does tell me that having in internet journal is rather strange in an intangible sort of way, the destruction of my diary in last nights, in combination with the amount of time i spend sitting in front of this damn machine (which i'm pretty sure owns my soul by this point) it seems to make sense that a 'blog' was an inevitable course of action.

i don't know if that story i've been working on is going to make it through. i'm not sure if i can pull of second person narrative without alternating it with third person which seems like a cheap way out.

the execution of all things

le commencement.